The other day, I heard on the radio characteristics of a toxic person. Shockingly, the identified traits described myself in my work environment since school has started. What a shock knowing just a few months ago I wrote a post on how to survive toxicity in the workplace. Now I, in my opinion, have become the toxic person.
So…what are traits of a toxic person? Here are just a few: judgemental and critical, a gossip, angry, competitive, negative, manipulative (doing whatever to achieve goals), blaming others for everything…oh well, maybe I mentioned more than a few. I am not saying I have been exhibiting all the above traits; however, enough were mentioned on the radio to make me realize how this past year’s trials have shaped me into a negative (toxic) individual. In all honesty, I wouldn’t want to hang out with myself.
My previous post about finding joy in your work detailed my struggles this past year. For those who did not read that post, here it is in the order of occurrence: the death of my mom which rocked my world and an unexpected transition at my workplace, all making me lose joy in a job I love. With the loss of that joy has come a negative, critical mindset. Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not a teacher who sees a need and does nothing. Change doesn’t come with apathetic individuals who love to “talk the talk” but not take any action (those who wait for others to do something). There are too many of those in the world who love to act like they know everything but choose to stay silent when a need arises. What I am saying, though, is walking around each day with a critical mindset, one that is not going to find joy no matter what. Yes, teachers only survive by having the “gripe sessions” then moving on (we all need them). However, my “gripe sessions” tend to be every day, all the time. Every day I feel that nothing matters – my lessons, my job, anything I do at work. Those are the emotions that have overwhelmed me, lies whispered in my ear by Satan.
For the past few Sundays, the Lord has opened my eyes, my ears, and my heart to hear His truth. He doesn’t promise happiness all the time nor does he promise a life without trials. What he has given us, though, is a Savior who has endured ALL so that we may have peace…a Savior who understands all our trials so that we may walk in the joy of the Lord…a Savior who can empathize with us as we navigate the hardships of this life. Are you a toxic person who expresses negativity all the time or a person who “bubbles” out joy of the Lord? For me, sadly, it has not been showing joy. It is way easier to be critical of everything. No matter our situation, Believers have confidence and comfort to experience a sense of joy that unbelievers cannot experience. God is a God of mercy who has extended grace to us when we least deserve it. Why have I not clung to this truth?
This morning, through the study of 2 Kings 6: 24-7:20, I realized that my response to my personal suffering has been one of disobedience, doubt, and despair (the three seen in this text). I have doubted my purpose in my job, I have doubted my relationships with my coworkers and students…I have spent hours searching for another public sector job that would pay the same as I get paid now (wasted time I could have used for a better purpose). I have wasted hours upon hours worrying about what my future may hold. God doesn’t cause us to suffer without a purpose. It is easy to use our suffering to disregard God’s commandments, to stop trusting God. It is easy to allow our suffering to embitter us, making us angry and impatient (which has been my life this past fall semester in school).
I am thankful that tomorrow is January 1. This past year has absolutely sucked (yep, I said it…)! I have lost so much and have questioned so much about my own purpose in what I have done for the past 24 years. I have allowed the world to dictate what success looks like instead of believing and trusting God’s purpose for where He has placed me. I pray that I will no longer listen to Satan’s lies whispered in my ear but will cling to the truth – to trust in God’s Word and know that Christ has endured all so that we may bring joy to those around us. Happy New Year!
Here are two links you can use to access the two sermons I have mentioned:
Pear Orchard Presbyterian Livestream
