Merriam-Webster dictionary defines toxicity two different ways: a) the state of being toxic and b) an extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful quality. Normally, we view toxicity as a chemical reaction; however, have you ever defined a person as being “toxic”? Many of you are automatically identifying a person you know (or knew) who is “toxic.” Are you having trouble identifying one? Let me help. Is there someone you know, specifically someone whom you work with, who is always negative? Who is always complaining? Who is always gossiping with the intent to falsely accuse? Who never sees any wrong in themselves but always finds wrong in others? Are you seeing yourself? If you are easily identifying someone else without reflecting on yourself then you may be that “toxic” person. No one ever wants to call themselves “toxic,” but sin easily entraps us. I once was that “toxic” person. Sometimes, though, I can easily fall in the trap of being that “toxic” person now but thankful for the One who opens my eyes to my sins and brings me out of that “miry pit.”
Around seventeen years ago, at a previous high school where I taught, I got caught up in a toxic friendship. I didn’t realize the influence she had on my emotions and love for teaching. I would walk into class, after the tardy bell, slam the door, and start yelling at the kids to sit down and be quiet. I was short-tempered and miserable. I hated my job. I am VERY THANKFUL that the Lord opened my eyes to see that I was becoming whom I was hanging out with (during school hours). 1 Corinthians 15:33 says, “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’” Proverbs 13:20 says, “Whoever walks with the wise become wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” You become who you hang out with. And you may possibly begin to act and to say and to think like those who influence your character. Back to the story… after I realized who I was becoming as a teacher, I stayed friends with this particular teacher but quietly began distancing myself, closing my door before school, during my planning, and after school. I stayed busy. Also, remember this was life before texts and social media! I didn’t allow idleness to sway interaction with this person. I know what you are thinking. Really?!?!?! Yes. Really! In no time, I began to see “fruits” of this drastic change. I stopped yelling and began loving my job again. We have all been there. If you haven’t, you will at some point in your life. So, what does this look like in a workplace and what do you do? Keep reading.
Ever since that first experience with a toxic workplace friendship, I have tried to be more diligent in becoming aware of the influence others may have on me. Sometimes, though, I fail! And fail miserably! Texts have completely changed workplace interaction. In no time, you can gossip or slander a person through texts. I can remember being that person and, sadly, I was that person for a year. Looking back, I am ashamed of how I allowed a person to influence me but so thankful for the “opening of my eyes” to see my sin. So, what did I do? I stopped initiating texts to ease myself out of that friendship. This isn’t saying I cut off this person or was blatantly rude. This just means I stopped initiating communication because it was only foolish talk. I know it was probably somewhat obvious; however, it was what needed to be done. Decisions are tough, and we have to be willing to take the “behind my back” talk that will occur as a result. Sometimes what you need to do needs to go beyond texting. Sometimes, it means that you listen but don’t engage in the talk when face to face with a toxic person. As soon as you engage in the conversation, you are giving credence to the talk and possible permission to include you next time. No, this doesn’t mean staying quiet like a “weirdo” but don’t ask questions and maybe say you have to go “grade some tests” or something. Find an excuse to separate yourself. Also, maybe you need to just stay in your room when others gather in the hallways. Hopefully you have other friends in your workplace so engage your friends at other times. Don’t be a part of negativity that will feed into your mindset and profession. Trust me! It will “eat away” at you and destroy any positive outlook you may have.
There may be times when you find yourself being slandered by a co-worker. My first year of teaching, I had a co-worker spread a rumor that I was having an affair with a married man (another teacher). She said this to other teachers (and him), who laughed and thought it was funny. Well, it wasn’t funny. I was devastated! I couldn’t believe that another educator could be so cruel. I grew up in public school but thought if this is what it was like now (fresh out of college), I wanted no part in it. I am thankful that the Lord did not lead me out of my profession, but it was an emotionally devastating year. I clung to 2 Corinthians 4:17 “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” Sometimes, people are just not nice! Sometimes, people can be so all-consuming negative that nothing positive ever comes out of their mouths. Some people get “joy” out of the failures of others. We live in a fallen world, so it should be expected. My question to myself, when this happens, is how will I respond? That answer will be different with each of us. Reflect on how you will respond when you find yourself entrapped in a toxic friendship.
A true friendship is not one that is all-consuming negative. A friend is not one who slanders others who may be seen as a “threat.” A true friend is one where you can vent when needed (because, as an educator, there will be lots of stuff to vent about) but one where you can then laugh it off and then talk about what you are doing this weekend. A true friend is one who speaks honestly and truthfully when emotions tell you to “find another job” (true story). A true friend is one you visit to be uplifted and to be heard– not one that affirms your frustration and convinces you that life is hell so leave your job.
People are sinners. People screw up. Life is hard. Life as an educator is really hard! Educators can’t survive the many pressures without teacher friends who can let you vent but then give way for laughs. There is a difference in these types of people – one who uplifts you when you are emotionally drained and one who dwells in the “low valleys.” Who you are depends on who you surround yourself with. The choice is yours.
